untitled

because i am too tired to make it matter to you.

So i sit down, because even at the rock bottom, you can grab a stone or a rock and you can write on the ground. The greatest pieces of writing came out of concentration camps and in the certainty of the end. It is one thing to not have an almighty to change things. But there is also no principle, no philosophy, no awakening, no reality and yet i sit, hoping to write my mind away. There is a weariness that i cannot strip off my soul. It isn’t for a lack of effort that I cannot, in fact the effort itself is giving into the weariness.

I cannot and do not want to please anymore. I am repelled by these people who use words to mask their incompetent, unkind, shitty souls. I see through them too much to want to love them anymore. No holy constructs and doctrines could change them.

Truth is all suffering is well deserved. God does not exist but human suffering is absolutely not why that is obvious. Suffering is an incredible and necessary design. Human beings are but so carried away in this idea of self that all suffering seem absolutely necessary. It is appalling and quite the surprise that no one sees it as it is. The excuse is survival, the excuse is ‘oh, i have a family to raise’. But then they go and be even more shitty.

I believed all there is left for me is the human experiences. There is nothing to anything other than that. But to me it was food, sleep and love. It should have been the bare minimum - theoretically but it is not. In this existential being with other existences my expectations are strange.

Tell no child to learn, read and think more. It will be alone among the plastic, spasming existences that exists. Tell no child to be kind because he becomes not a prophet but withers away. How disconnected the world has become that it sees kindness as a trait. It sees these pretentious beings and projections as strength.

It all began when I saw through people who claimed they want the truth even if it is uncomfortable. They spun a lot of pretty words together to say it many different ways. Wrote it on walls and made other people choke on it but the blatant truth seems like they have no fucking clue about the truth. The truth that they do not matter the way they think.

A while back when I attended the driving lessons, one of the trainers asked a question. He said, if you are walking and you suddenly go blind, are you going to stop or speed up and just run. The context was driving. He meant how people seem to accelerate as opposed to stop when they are not sure if they should keep driving. I laughed. I could not forget that quote. It is exactly what everyone does. Just spam their way forward even when it is all gone to shit.

My regrets already are that I did not get a fill the way I want. The walk, the wind, the taste of water, the hug, the kiss. The world pollutes all of this. They use communication to convince themselves that they are doing it all right.

I am disturbed by the persistent presence of thought. I am disabled by the underwhelming efforts of people to understand. I am exhausted by this format of existence. I am worn out and lonely from having cared so much. What do you suggest? Crucifixion? Death in a war? Decay under a tree?