knots

cant untangle them

i keep trimming my self down. there is not even a liminal space. i have to travel back no matter how far i have come. have i ever known the joy of being an animal? a simple animal. or is it that i do not ever become any more than the most simple animal?

i am not inside the zoo. i am outside. that much i am certain. because if i am inside, i must be the animal no one can watch, see or get. the deep sea creatures are capable of fascination. dinosaurs are.

so i have to cage myself in some way if i am to taste any form of perception and feedback? thing is what i have with pride discovered is that i am never out of a cage and i never will be, because i never can. but maybe i am in less cages than others are. it feels alien.

no one knows how to love an alien. it is always too different. it is amusement, it is adventure, it is enemy, it is too much.

i forgot how to desire. i discovered how to be. not be a self but be. however i am not sure how i can be among who and where i cannot belong. well i am telling myself if that is being, then that is being. there is no need to be more. but i am asked for more and my efforts to give is not met with efforts to give back.

it is a transaction, everything is a transaction. self is a transactional result.

action to reaction which is action in itself that causes another reaction.

stimulus to stimulation and the stimulation then becoming the stimulus.

i am not different. i have a self too. but it’s incredibly, forcibly and stubbornly negated so that i can operate in a harmonious frequency. but that is far too different from a way of lives i am in closest proximity to.