hurt

how much longer

i hate the way i love and loved. it has left me feeling like everything that i am is a ghost that possessed a body that is just tiredness and melancholy, a soul that is just weary. i have missed what i missed so much now that it has become my instinct to hate it all. i feel so tired, so tired of being so tired and yet doing things that takes all of me and everything about me. i thought i’ll be fine once i know all that i needed to know, about why it is like this, about why people are how they are and how i cannot be like any of them.

i am jealous of every person i met for how they can all be two people. that who they become with me feels like a lie they tell me. everyone is that lie or if that is the actual truth of who they are then all of them without exception just gave me lies. i am jealous and sad i can’t be a lie like them and just drift through and take what i want and not feel the need to stay.

i did not look at the stars in the night as much as i wanted because i spent the day making sure i loved and gave love and took care of things through and through. the smells i like, the touches i craved, i shunned them in the name of duty.

i don’t like anything anymore. i wait to lose everything and everyone sort of now. still nobody gets me. i don’t know why.

i was told i push people away and push the love i receive away and i entertained that and tried to tell myself that but that is not the truth at all. because how come i held on this much if i was pushing everyone and everything away. how come i give so much and give in so much of myself i was just pushing people away.

i was told i do not communicate and that is why i am so alone and lost. but it is just another excuse. how much better can i communicate than loving all of you in all ways i can. i stab letters onto here and a thousand places but you just read text. i sing and i dance and i cry and i sweat and move and all you do is tell me it is not pretty enough for you to engage.

i was with my dogs for 14 to 15 days, very close, them sleeping at my side, listening to the million pleas they make without words and i understood them in ways i surprised myself. i pity that i use words and people still say i do not communicate well enough.

i hate that i cannot delete my needs permanently.

i imagine myself exploding into scarlet micro dust that slides down like mist.

i have missed feeling mist the way i want, i was busy saying the right things to the wrong people.

but well there are no right people. i am the first and last wrong people. so i obviously do not deserve anything. i get it.

i want to stop every last effort i make to blend or to make myself believe that i need to blend. but how do i do that. do i just cease to exist?

it is age, it is trauma, it is punishment, it is curse, it is so many things i guess. but i feel light years away from anyone knowing what i am feeling while all it takes me is a breath and a listen to absorb all the feelings everyone is feeling.

the few times i took effort to talk i ended up hearing the absolute wrong things and despising myself even more. looks like i am the wrong people for sure.

people barely hold on when they are where i am but here is the thing - i am infernal in my efforts to barely hold on. so i am even more tired.

i don’t see anything anymore. i cant tell if i want anything anymore. i am not sure what i am doing. i don’t know anything.