unfiltered

unedited

What is it like living with you? If you are someone’s everyday, what do you think is it like for them to live with you? Parents, partner, friends, how are they looking at life with you?

If you live alone, what is it like living with yourself?

I live with myself and I am built for it. People who lived the longest with me were not able to remain collected. I am not saying it was me or it was them or it was both sides. I am not saying it was not coexisting or equal spaces and this is not about the importance of it or a lack thereof.

With someone else I have only known myself to be in absolute control. Even when affected my health or mind I treat getting help like an effort I have to take to please another person.

A certainty sort of, from small gestures made and not caught or got, because they never know nor knew what it is like. So you reach out and ask for help only in the way they can help you and feel good about themselves.

It is a horrifying thought to let go of control because the first thing would be falling apart and there is absolute clarity from experience and studying patterns that they cannot offer the help, space and time to be so shattered and then to slowly put together.

So the soreness is ignored, the aches are forgotten, the exhaustion is yawned away and I keep at it. I do not know but I guess somewhere there are others who do it too. Do not worry I am not offering solace for I know you do not trust it and even if I can offer it, that is again me making space and I have none.

Maybe I have tried to live for someone while I was with them and then living alone when I drained myself out but still with them in the enclosed space there is. But that did not work out. I had to be consistent. If I am consistently living alone, there is no space for the other person who almost always do not know such a state of being. If I am consistently giving, I am so consistent they assume that is what I do so if I wither away it becomes a flaw to be judged. If I balance it out, there is no fun in it.

This is not some relationship advice shit. I am just thinking and journaling because I do not talk. If I try to talk it is weird and almost always pessimistic although I am just stating my honestly observed reality. That is a reason why I write.

I do not see a point to talking because mostly always I cannot be understood. I have to travel with my words. I do not want to sit on and form a stance or opinion or whatever the fuck people usually do. Language itself is inaccurate and inefficient so I just want to engage and not assume positions.

So yeah I no longer know how people coexist. Just say shit and act like I am all about it and then live a life defending it or something while in reality be absolutely the opposite in other things and situations. Well that is a stance maybe. I am not standing ground. I am not flying either.

I see that all words are lies. When those words are used for further lying, it is so confusing.

What is it like to live with me? Every answer I get is what I try to be so consistently, so painstakingly. The people who lived the longest seem so erratic and losing their mind but without clear explanation on what I could have done.

What is it like for me to live with myself? It’s quiet. It’s contemplative. It’s freeing. I do not treat me the way I treat others. It surprisingly means I am not kind to myself or gentle or accepting. I just think and question and think and scrutinize and think and question and chase a form of negation. You would think that looks like insanity and maybe it does but it looks to me like dissolution. It is slow and freeing and quiet. It is never loud. It is never overly giving. It is critical and intense from the outside but super natural inside.

This is not a solitude vs loneliness article either.

If you can’t be lived with and you try to talk freely and the responses make you feel like ‘wait, what?’, just let it be. Forgetfulness is not bliss. So remember to not keep trying and just shut up.

If you are so good at holding space, you do not become holy, you become a space holder and holding space for you becomes that much difficult and well you can never trust them to be capable and almost always, you are right.

If you are exhausted with the space you hold and you are collapsing, let go of everything and just be. You won’t find home or space for yourself but maybe you will learn to accept it and just be.