Only a victim can stop being a victim

You don’t overcome shit without being a victim first.

What is this pressure to ostracize people who feel victimized? Why look down on them? You cannot be in denial and suddenly win over everything that happened to you. You got to let things happen. You have allow yourself to be consumed or consume the pain and crisis that you face with whatever it takes.

Right, I am asking myself, does this sound like I don’t understand what victim mentality is and am I saying the same stuff everyone is but just playing with words to make it look different.

No, not at all. I am saying if you feel down and low, that is okay. If you notice with absolute clarity that you are being treated unfairly and unjustly more often than not, that is alright. People do that. People cannot seem to grow and reach without absolutely trampling over what stands in their way or what helps them climb up. Being nice is no longer celebrated. There are more people telling how being nice would destroy you than help you. In fact, that time when you could come home and feel like you were nice and you could feel good about it is gone too. Now you are conflicted, you feel like being nice and resigning from an unnecessary challenge that could have been hurtful makes you a coward. Everyone is telling you to stop being a victim, stop being nice. Be a lion, be dangerous, be a monster.

In the land of monsters, lions and dangerous homo sapiens, it is okay to sometimes be tired, especially when you are just not into the whole warfare. It is okay to be hurt, alone and wanting to talk to your mother who might be the only person who would not say that you are putting up victim mentality and to just be stronger. If it’s not your mother and if you have no one to allow yourself to cry for as long as you need then boy you need it much more than you know. An outlet to scatter away your pain and wince like a hurt animal is not a bad thing. You have to allow yourself to process your feelings further.

The only parallel I would make to the exhausting pressure on you to never feel like a victim is that you must move through it. You cannot be stuck in the feeling and crumble into a mess. Mostly because no one is pulling you back up. That now is the reality. You have to pick yourself up each time. You have to tell yourself the shit you need to hear to get running. No one is fucking coming for you. You have to find a will to survive.

Why survive, what is the point to life, what is the point to the complete fiasco that my existence is? What do I have to live for?

Truthful answers are this. You just survive because you can. There is no point to life anyway but what’s the point to just perishing, leaving behind all the things you could do, especially when there is so much you could do and you have not done shit to find that out. Maybe being a complete fiasco is getting you somewhere, maybe you get to tell somebody better than others on what not to do. You learned the best lessons maybe. You risked it regardless of past outcomes so why stop now. The proof that you have hope, the proof that you will get to where you need to get to is that you still want it like this constant itch inside of you that you cannot scratch, that no medicine can cure. You might think you gave up, but the desire, the passion, the dream is never dead. Just keep at it, however you can keep at it.

That is what I tell myself today because I find myself in a spot I can’t help but feel terrible about. I am distracting as best as I can when I cannot let it consume me and I am allowing it to consume me when I cannot fight it at all. I have made the mistake of sharing in need of hearing things that will put me back on the road but that was a mistake. Now I tell myself as much as I possibly could, the spectacular shit I want to hear to go through walls and to go through fire. It is not just me. You can too. You sure will have to hurt yourself, you sure will have to hurt some people around you to make sure what you want and what you are about to do, does not affect them in the long term. You may have to take a turn to a place where there is no turning to. Crash through the forests and rocks and hills and you have to have a will then to survive. Out there is what you want. When you get to what you want, remember out there is more of what you want. So keep pushing. Take breaks to heal. Do not rush but if you must then do that too.

Just make your life about what you want it to be about. Be however and whatever you have to be to get yourself going on the path you want to. People will always be people. They will always tell you things, they will always tell things about you, they will always talk or they might not give a damn what you do and go about their dreams. That latter kind of people will inspire and push you in some way and that is all that matters. It’s out there, you are getting there. It’s real. You don’t have to ever doubt it. If you do, then sit back and doubt every single fucking thing and see where it gets you. Trust me, you are better off chasing your dreams and tiring yourself out so much that one day that long last sleep would feel like pleasurable and welcoming. Until then do what you must even if it’s nothing, do nothing to make sure it’s for something, anything.