Being so self aware it's uncomfortable

One of the things you would notice, especially if you are someone who examines and think deeply, is that I am questioning myself as often as I could.

I am not here to say the 100 benefits to cultivating a habit of questioning oneself and it is only a Google search away, all the disaster you could end up creating by questioning yourself that often. I am just saying you could use self awareness way more than you do and in ways that you have not yet.

In human life probably the most important thing is always knowing where to draw the line. Every quote to live by has a quote that sounds like it is telling us to do just the opposite. As much as it would make a great content for a YouTube video let’s now reflect upon the fact that there is a big space for wise, stupid and beautiful things to be told about where to draw that fine line.

But that is if we have such high expectations of ourselves, if the standards we set for ourselves is too high. If we are to be just us, the line, how you interpret a life lesson or another completely contradictory life lesson or even living by both at the same time - it is all well and good. It is where we are today, how we live today.

Yesterday, one of the thoughts I had in the shower was how people when they are broke or poor mostly always have an inclination to say it loud. Not all of them and I am in absolute awe of the people who are broke and destitute in this world. In fact I am like that for few hours everyday, then I just want to whine and write away about how shit I feel. But I assume someone destitute or broke living exposed to the other end of the spectrum, where people just ‘CAN’ do mostly anything and everything is not exactly a peaceful person. Both the poor and the rich likes to talk about how short of money they are. The poor has a better ability to joke about it though. The rich, when they pretend to be poor makes it so dramatic you would cringe.

Sorry, I just went on a rather random thought train. I am not doing a piece on wealth or social hierarchy. Not yet. That’s not my cup of tea either, in case you did not understand already. My thing is mostly letting you know that the rich, the poor, the sad middle class who looks rich to the poor and poor to the rich - they are all just similar monkeys going on about monkey things. I wanted to do a nice little part here where I illustrate and compare the percentage of poor people who become rich versus middle class people who become rich versus rich people becoming poor or middle class etc. But a quick Google search which these days is known to be an income worthy activity did not give me anything relevant or credible. So instead of Googling it, think about it for a change.

I imagine the ‘non existent’ rest of the monkey video at times and I just let myself go in the imagination. Like the rock he kept on the tree slowly over time slipped and fell on another monkey in the group and then our protagonist monkey is like laughing*/mocking* which makes the other one think that the rock was thrown at him . He already was feeling like the old one in the group and not always appreciated, so he starts screaming and jeering as much as his lungs can handle. He then throws rock back at our main monkey and some others who teased him. Then it gets into this rock throwing party and well everyone’s hurt. The rocks are now not to be found and in pain everybody stops and sits and nurses their wound and disperse but also does not disperse because everyone knows everyone actually needs each other.

A comedian especially a stand up comedian goes on stage and jokes about how his partner has a loose diamond ring that slips and falls in the seat of his 4th Lamborghini and one day the diamond ring pierced his trousers and went all the way into and up his butt-hole that he now tells people how he is so rich he shits diamonds. That joke is not working no matter how good a comedian is at delivering it.

But if he says about how he was so broke and one morning when he was ready to kill himself as he sat in the toilet and thought about his life only to find that he shit a diamond ring. It must have slipped off the fingers of that rich couple that was making out in the back seat of the Uber he was driving. You see, you like this story better. Even if the most successful comic is to say it, you will like him for this story than the other.

So what is my point exactly? The point is that there is not really any point and there does not have to be one all the time. Maybe I am so bankrupt at the moment, I have to tell myself shit to make myself feel a little better. You do that too. Let me be a reflection of your best worst. So you can have it in you to accept yourself, so you can find it in you to accept someone like me or you making mistakes.

Acceptance really helps gather some calm inside our mind. I can tell you that from experience. A few years back when financially I was not in this much a quicksand I had this fancy sports motorcycle. It was expensive as fuck but I could manage then so I gave into my material desires to fill in the voids forming in me as I kept doing these jobs that did nothing for my existence and achieved targets that only made papers pretty and companies richer. One week from buying the motor cycle a fellow human being was so frustrated with his life I suppose, needed validation for his existence I believe, he keyed the tank entirely in random scribbles and punched the mirror so hard, the whole thread of the screws were gone. After few minutes of sad and lonely thoughts about hating the person who I never found, even after reporting to the security and police staff available, I resigned into things I always knew.

Who was it to blame there? Except me. The flaw was me as a being that thought the way I think, still chose to go for such an object of desire that I never really could afford, see damages done to it that will cost me money to fix. The flaw was me forgetting that people are capable of better. You and me, we are not capable of doing the nicest things to each other or good things to each other. It is not a matter of capability. It is about choice. A very difficult choice to be kind and accepting of another person has to made every moment and 90 percent of the time we do not make that choice. We make the exact opposite one and find such empowering words to justify ourselves.

Take a look in the mirror, go look at the people around you. Convince me this is not a circus. Convince me we are not a masterful joke to anything supreme to us. God’s not done laughing. When he is, we are fucked.