an allowance

to be me

~

i was watching this tree, it was peculiar in how it stood right there, its youngest parts on top and the oldest down. its green did not seem to mind the sun at all. maybe that’s why i really wanted it to be struck by lightning, i wanted its veins to light up, i wanted it to shriek. i wanted it to wear death, head to root, so i can love it like only i can love it.

but there it was standing tall, while the sun was just a day or two away from burning it all. maybe it tells the story of its resilience and its amazing heart later on and there will be stupid people chirping away at how it inspired them in their glorious life and the self they so want to please.

if only you were struck by lightning and tasted death once.

if only.

i’d die over and over with you

~

sometimes children invite me to play. i have played before but you know not how children played. so i play with them. they kill a flower and smell it and tells me it smells good. then they kill many flowers, make beds out of it and sleep on it and tell me oh it is so nice. they cut a plant dead and eat it and say it’s good for me, i should try it too. they scorch animals and eat them and find them delicious. i loved all of that and it felt warm for a minute. so then i was like oh wait should i try to belong, is it worth making the effort for these children? so i entertain them, i tell them what they are telling me. i tell the children, hey look at us, we are spectacularly dying. see how good we smell in our decay just like the flowers. look at the vigor in our dying flame, so funny. look at how we ornate the truth with time, light, fiction and color just because it feels convenient. isn’t it wonderful how we are all so puny and feisty and think we aren’t dying right now, that we are actually something. so beautiful, isn’t it? come children, i said, lay in the mud and know there is no birth or death outside of the words that we use to create convenient narratives.

oh wait. they were children. my bad.

go kids go.

merry go round the cypress bush, cypress bush..

merry go round, merry go round, merry go round,

keep going around, okay

~

i don’t need much, i don’t need most things people do,

just be kind to me if i happen to be around

and i am mostly not around, so it should not be that hard

and if you keep that up, i will believe in every lie you tell yourself, others and me, even when i see through it and i will help create worlds out of that lie

but be unkind and step on me, use me, fuck with me

i will serenade you with all the truth and i will kill all your lies and trust me most of you are just fucking lies that you are not equipped to learn. I will equip you

enough to burn you perpetually in this life

and every life that is to come while you live it

you can use your pretense to act still